Rooney, Van Persie... so who deserves that valuable 3rd spot forward in your team?


Emile Heskey (£5.3)

“Heskey is in the hottest form of his life.” That right there is a direct quote courtesy of Heskey’s Chair in the Aston Villa dugout.

Yes sir, from 19 total appearances he’s come off the bench 6 times and was an unused substitute on 5 occasions.

That seat has been getting nice and cosy so you’ve got to give it to that chair – its spot on!

Heskey also has a woeful passing accuracy of just 60% which is one of the worst in the league, proving what a great guy he is!

Gifting the ball to the opposition? What a guy, what a guy. That is classy manners for a 34 year old. Why wouldn’t you buy him?

Djibril Cisse (AKA Balotelli Sr.) (£6.1)

Not quite as controversial as Balotelli himself but he always causes a stir both on and off the pitch. Like the fact that he has gotten two red cards in only 5 games for QPR including one on his home debut – yet somehow managing to score 3 goals overall.

He has repeatedly said that QPR aren’t going down this season. How he plans to help out with a 4 game ban however? We don’t know yet.

But hey, nothing’s impossible for Balotelli Senior. Perhaps he’s going to bring out his outrageous Zebra shoes again?

My god what a wardrobe killer… Beware QPR opponents! He’s also well known for his hairstyles so perhaps it’s time he went blue? All the more reason to buy Balotelli Sr!

Magaye Gueye (£4.6)

He is cheap and plays for Everton which is why he has made my short list for the 3rd option forward. It’s definitely not because I just randomly looked through the list of forwards and chose one I found hard to pronounce. Ridiculous, don’t be silly now!

Seriously though, try pronouncing that name. My first attempt was Ma (like Ma in Mama) – Gay-e (like the way you say Gea for De Gea) and Guy. Fail Fail Fail.

Try yourself and see how close you were. Surely the man deserves a spot on your team!

Santos Giovani (£5.4)

He plays for Spurs and what I really like about him is ability to… scratch that, what I meant was he has a wonderful skill off… Well, erm…

Hang on, who in blazes is Santos Giovani? I don’t know about you but it sounds like what a rich person would name his cat!

Oh well, cats out of the bag now (see what I did there?) and you’ve probably realised what I’m doing here. If you haven’t caught on though let me wish you all a happy April Fools Day!

Hope you enjoyed and happy pranking!

Note: The actual article of 3rd option forwards will be out soon so stay tuned for that!